:)

Im cold. And I can feel my bones shaking. Im in my dressing gown and pj's under my doona--why am I so cold???

Im going to bed--need to have my iron tablet before I forget.

I love me/I hate me

47kilos
Today I had to rush to get up and dressed so I could catch a lift with Mum to work in Brighton. So then I could catch the train
and go shopping in the city before work which started 1pm-6pm.
Meaning no breakfast, Hurray!
Lunch = yoghurt
In my break a diet V.
And afterwards we had Friday night drinks, I managed 1 and 3/4 margaritas... pretty pathetic huh! and nachos...i wonder how many calories?--i didnt have much topping at all.

I like a boy. Which is stupid it can only end in heartache so I keep myself somewhat detached. I know the 'he's just not into you' thing but he realli does send mixed messages. Like saying he is planning on asking this girl out tomorrow but then asks me if I want to be his Valentine with his hand on my knee...???!
And then later he said I was his best female friend ever.

I'm confused. Any ideas?????????????

xo

L'oreal Melbourne Fashion interview on Monday-- I said I wore a size 6 jeans...im an 8!
To be honest I didnt think I'd get a callback...

Ive been good for the past 4 days like 200cals and less.. its gotten to the stage where my body is rejecting anything with sugar, actualli food period. This isnt good.

I have to get my iron levels checked again in a month. gay.

woke up-- 50 situps, 10 pushups, 20 sidekicks

b- i was just about to have brekky when mum said lets go shopping--so i smiled to myself that i skipped! although that is bad for my metabolism...
after she had to take me straight to the train station to work so i didnt have time to brush my teeth or shave my legs... oh and pack lunch!

l- cashews & sultanas--1 diet V

work 12-4pm

got home ate some grapes and 2 slices of bread with vegemite (that was unnecessary)

d- mum is making rissoto i have already questioned all the ingredients.

some friends are coming for a swim tomorrow-- taut tum here I come

x

So I got 3 credits and 1 distinction for uni-- which is great!

Im reading 'The Power of Now' at the moment- truly great! Its what I needed to lift my spirits up, things havent been going my way recently. Now all of a sudden its like because my mind is open Im letting in all the good stuff.

My weight...
ugh

and why does everyone always talk to me about whos anorexic atm and how disgusting it is. And I just have to nod... Im such a hypocrite and evrything in between

So I have laryngitis...yay! i have no voice, when the phone answers i have to whisper 'Hello, Bethany speaking' in the weakest and pathetic voice! its slightly amusing.
i somehow got through my 30min oral presentation yesterday-sounding like a man...
Strange though Im not fond of presentations, but I dont complain about it- this time i actually felt confident and comfortable despite the circumstances.

Ive lost a bit of weight with this sickness-no appetite. My friend from uni was quick to realise this and off she went, 'your too skinny already, dont lose anymore weight, what are u having for lunch?' etc etc i said i had vege soup at home waiting but im not sure if she took any of it. i really dont care. but its nice that she cares.

im not sure if i like my chest bones sticking out or not, but i do keep looking at them in the mirror and organising myself so that the light hits them, im fascinated. and my collar bones and stomach.

its just my legs that are fat. otherwise i would be happy and i wouldnt have to play these constant mind games with myself.

xo

 Im sitting on the cold floorboards trying to write my lab report for psychology - not going so great. i realli want to keep my HD's going. 
I watched elizabethtown and it reminded me of myself. Im a subsitute. I feel like i;ve been sleeping most of my life.

I bought a little notebook from Sportsgirl on sale for $4.95 (what a great litttle investment, dont you think?hehe) its just so I can get back into recording what I eat, stats, etc.

I have no friends.

I have a pretty good feeling im going to turn into a single, successful career woman. But how can any of that mean anything when you dont have love, friends or self-worth? Shoes can only fill in so much empty space...

I've always believed your room reflects your the current state of your life. I was in the middle of re-decorating mine - hence a new direction of life - only to half-complete it... There are no paintings or mirrors on the wall, i have lanterns sitting on the ground waiting to be hung, i havent got my goldfish. Im stuck. Confused. Just like where my life is right now. Im in a rut.

xo

 I had my heart broken this week. But Im going to use that to my advantage.

Sunday-
B- 1 x berocca

L- carrot sticks
    1 x rye-vita (eaten in quarters)

D-? no idea

I have work from 1-5pm. Im going to buy Vogue, diet coke and a note pad so i can start writing down every molecule of food that enters my mouth.

 Saturday
Weigh-in: 45.25kg

B- Nothing

L- Yoghurt (390kj divide by 4.2 = 93cals)
     Choc peanuts

D- Nothing until...I had babysitting
     Cold pasta, 4 skinny breadsticks, glass of solo, 5 pizza shapes, choc peanuts

Ok so my parents are away, as soon as I got home (midnight) I switched on Sex and the City and ate. I just ate.

Strangely enough - I lost????

Sunday
Weigh-in: 45.15kg

B- 1 x berocca
     6x grapes

L- ? get yoghurt????

D- ? vegie pie

Im going to enter myself into a marathon. Its in June I think - then I'll have something to train for. I run most mornings so it will be good to have a goal.

xo

Ok, so I didn't eat dinner on my date (he didnt seem to mind too much) drank a few glasses of champagne and then the next morning definitely didnt feel like eating. I had just a yoghurt on wednesday to calm my stomach down (havent had a drink in ages) and veges for dinner.

Wednesday: 47.2kg according to his scale...
b- nothing
l-yoghurt
d- vegies

Thursday: ?kg 9.5hrs in heels at work - that has to burn some major calories off, yes?
b- 6x grapes
     1x berocca
l- 1 x small diet coke
    1x veg. sushi
d- vegies

Friday: 45.2 on my scale!!! I havent been this # on my scale for soo long.
b- 6x grapes
     1 x berocca
l-  1 x small diet coke
      1 x sushi
d- fish...pizza shapes...choc peanuts...diet V
'
acheivements:
so mini-binge on friday night...mum offered to buy me a vodka cruiser but thats loaded with cals so I asked for a diet V instead :)
I also bought 2x sushi (i felt bad buying just 1 because they made it esp. for me...) ...I threw the 2nd one out as soon as I got to work.
No eating after 7.30pm (Oprahs rules :D)

Ok so tomorrow is Saturday:
Breakfast will be usual (berocca & grapes) and lunch will be yoghurt, and dinner well no-one is home so possibly nothing? And then to babysitting.

I have a headache.

xo

I spent the night at a boy's house last night - I really like him, well... I think I do. Whenever I find out a guy likes me I kind of panic...thats a question for my psychologist - not that I have one.
Anyway, he is quite body conscious and talks alot about my body as well. He says "you must weigh 40kg - you know you could even put a bot of weight on"
Of course, upon hearing this I freaked out!!! And he clearly saw that. I no I dont weigh 40kg, but now I must esp. if he asks me out...
He also has a digital scale - mines manual. I trust digital more and I like how when you step on your weight goes up & down like the biggest loser. I think I might buy one, he works at Harvey Norman... I think they sell them there and I could get a discount.
Oh and one more thing, he used me as weights. Yes, you heard me correctly is it called a bench press or something? Well he did that. Haha.

xo

ive been eaitng badly...yet im still 46kg..!!! i guess thats good.. but when i weigh myself i sigh because sometimes i hope ive gained so then i have permission to eat again. Does that make sense?
Maybe Im not anorexic, maybe Im just a fake...am I?

Oh this is killing me

 I just read some of my Psychology books for uni. I obviously read everything and anything to do with eating disorders. One of the little random facts was that Bulimics can have up to 55,000 calories in a sitting... scary thought.
I think alot of people (bulimics included) make fun of anorexics, of course vice versa. For example, I posted once that I had a binge which consisted of 5 choc-chip cookies, considering 200cals was my limit for the day I had ruined it with my binge. If you look at the proportion of cals I eat per day to a bulimics then divide in the binge, where exactly the same...take a look:

Bulimics:
Binge: 1,000 calories
Daily intake: 5,000

Anorexic: 
Binge: 100calories
Daily intake: 200calories

With due respect, the definition of binge should have flexibility depending on who it is about.

Ok, about today.

B- Half a peach

L-Diet coke & fruit/nut mix

D-6 lentil sausage rolls

My "binge" - 3 homemade shortbread cookies

Im pretty happy about today, although I wish the shortbread wasnt there. What made it easier was I worked 9-4pm and Im on antibiotics which can be taken 2 hrs after food on empty stomach, and then u must wait 30minutes before eating. This works sooo well!

xo

Ok so I need to make things clear in my head before I shoot off to work.

B- 1 x peach

L- (45min break) diet coke & fruit/nut mix

D-lentil "sausage" rolls



Yesterday:
B- 1 x peach
L- fruit/nut mix'
D- lentil "sausage" rolls (umm..maybe one too many..!)

Tired.
cw: 46.15kg

I blame the lentil sausage rolls, like I said one too many.

xo

I really need to post here more often.

cw: 46kg, so i guess in lbs thats... 101.2lb.

Things have been pretty hectic lately, I love it when it is. I've been working everyday as if im a full-timer, yet im a casual. I love working at Sportsgirl...except now im in a dilemma. I went to a meeting last nite, there going to be even bigger on working with the butterfly foundation & eating disorders. There participating in the awareness week too (my birthday...how ironic) and making like a ronald mcdonald house but for eating disorders after treatment. This sucks, but at least where going into Winter soon so nice, baggy woolen jumpers can give me some bulk...

Monday 18th
b- yoghurt with strawberries & (crap mum just walked into the room!) all bran. (sooo addicted to all bran).

L- half vegetable scroll

D- (this is where i bombed out) 2x bread and drumstick

extras: diet pepsi/ fruit & nut mix

Tuesday 19th

b- small skinny latte

l- 1/2 fruit & nut mix (my friend always shares half now...this is my lunch!!! Meaning 4 peanuts, 4 sultanas, 2 slices of apricot haha

D- 2 thin slices of vege pizza and 1 freddo (Sportsgirl meeting, I mean we were talking about eating disorders for goodness sake!)

Anywho better get ready for uni!!!

xo

Sorry I havent updated much...at all really!

Liz: I saw Sarahs pics, i did not expect it to be that...I was really disturbed and spent the whole time thinking it couldnt be her. Im not sure when she gets back? But I know Clancy and Helen are Seeing her in January…

shit my sister is here, try and post tomorrow

xo

B- 1x toast with strawberries  (I had an exam..)

L- 1x tall chai latte (with skinny milk) (CALORIES?)

Ok, and then after the exam everyone wanted to celebrate (mind you we still have one left) so everyone is like "lets get hot chocolate and cake, ooo what are you going to get Beth?" They were ordering all these things and I felt bad...I left my water bottle at home so I couldnt even pretend to be into that!!! I got my wallet out and I was standing at the counter and asked one of the girls if they minded me not getting a hot choc. as I had a tall chai before the exam.
Lucky. And proud :)

Ok so dinner didnt go that well, I told mum to buy me some fish with steamed veggies... and she did BUT... she hurt her back and said we could just have calamari and whatever...hence:

D- 5 x calamari 225 (45 calories each)
     2 x spring roll 
     4 x savoys

I got up early this morning to check all the labels. I cant remember the rest but its in my food diary. It was a totaly of 300 something for dinner alone...so 500 something for the day.

Every morning this week Ive woken up empty and starving with hands trembling. But not this morning, which is why I was sure my body had absorbed all that grease from dinner the night before.
I eventually got to the scales.
I lost, only a bit, but I was so sure I gained it back!

cw: 46.75kg
gw: 43kg

bmi: 17.2

xo

cw: 47kg
gw: 43kg
5'5

Yay lost another pound.
Yesterday I went for a run to pick sister up from school, did 80 situps yesterday. I do 50 situps a day, so today im 25 in debt.
I can feel my stomach shrinking, its completely empty.
I didnt wake up nauseous today.
Mum came home.
I have two XMAS Casual jobs; sportsgirl & country road.

I have a Psychology exam tomorrow so better go study!

Yesterday:
B- 1 x toast (85 cals)
L - seseme stick (25 cals)
D - nothing

Today (so far):
B- 3 x strawberries
L- cup a soup?
D- ? fish maybe

xo

Ok. Today 47.5kg hooray!!

For the last 3 days things have been going well. Mum is coming home today, hence I can eat what I want without making up petty excuses all the time.

Yesterday:
B- 2 x strawberries

L- 1/2 Chai Latte (regular)
     1/4 Bean & Spinach salad

D- 1/4 Bean & Spinach salad

Extras: 1 x scotch finger biscuit (IT WAS 90CALORIES!!!!)

The 3rd day (today) I always wake up feeling sick, my hands were trembling, I knew my blood sugar levels were down. So I allowed myself 1 x piece of toast with vegemite.
I felt too sick to excerise, but I ended up doing lots of housework. I might go for a 1hr walk tonight with mum.

Im losing an pound a day, slow & steady wins the race.

xo

 So about Country Road. They didnt (or havent should i say) call back! They said if you didnt get the job, an email would be sent. And if you did, a phone call... neither!
Regardless, I went to the Sportsgirl Group Interview, you know when you just know you didnt do well, like on an exam. Well my intuition is pretty darn good and I stuffed up the interview, the other girls looked much "happier and livelier!"
Anyway they called back straight away!!!
So now I am working at Sportsgirl on Chapel St as an XMAS Casual! Im realli xcited. I think itll help boost my mood up a bit, like u have to b happy and bubbly when ur there. Plus what a better excuse to be able to wear fluro pink nailpolish!!!!

I just watched Entertainment Tonight. That survivor girl is sure getting thin...

I have an Accounting exam tomorrow. And Psychology on Friday.

Today:
8am - Run down the beach
Brekky - 3 x strawberries
Lunch - 2 x california sushi
Dinner - ?

Snack: :( I had two arnott plain biscuits
Water: 1 litre so far

I think I need to learn to calm down when people leave the house and no ones home. Thats when the crazy binge eater person comes alive! Luckily it didnt take a grip on me this time.
I read my old journal last nite. It was only last year that I weighed 41kg...

Better go, sisters x 2 are home!

xo